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What's The Point?

This is the question I am pondering this morning. Not at all in an existential sense. As relates to this blog. I have had this blog for a number of years now. I write every single day of my life. Only I very rarely write here. And I believe that is because I feel some nervousness about making it meaningful, about having even a few readers and wanting my words to be weighty, or at least encouraging. The need to be inspiring makes me avoid.

I want to just write. I spend a good portion of every week talking with folks about being human. About fallibility and vulnerability and connection. About doing the very thing I am avoiding here, which is exposing my own humanity in each of its iterations. It feels UN-inspirational to write about the deep regret I feel about portions of my life. Or to write mundane things like--lately I have been working hard to pay attention to sound all around me. The first feels scary and the other silly or a bit too Zen to suit me.

I wonder why it is so difficult to just be me.

And that brings me to what, I believe, is the point here. I entitled this website "Authentic Transitions" after a life-altering blow-up with fundamentalism vs. Lyn. And the POINT was to show up as myself. And the way I GOT to myself was through transformative, curious, gentle ACCEPTANCE. Starting with me. A lifelong task. That takes ongoing attention.

Acceptance of what is. Acceptance of me. Acceptance of failure and regret. Acceptance of uncertainty...vulnerability...impermanence. I suppose that is really what I want to be the drumbeat of this blog.

Like most of the world, I read Eat, Pray, Love back when it first was published. I had many thoughts about it then and a bunch of folks wanted to have conversations about it. But what circles back to me all these years later is Richard from Texas. The character that she met in India. I don't recall many specifics (except that he called Liz "Groceries") but I remember that the man she described seemed full of grace. Forgiving, firstly and most importantly, himself. And then it just seemed to naturally flow outward. I can remember THEN how much I longed for a Richard of my own. Then it takes no effort at all to recall how I came to understand I needed to BE Richard. To start with a kind of gentle, lumbering, kindness towards myself.

This is what I believe is THE transformational force of our humanity. A self-directed, gentle, lumbering, less-than-perfect posture towards ourselves. I hear it in Jesus' "Love your neighbors as yourself". I can't think of any other way to have a gracious, loving acceptance of others WITHOUT starting with Lyn. I can remember how much she needed me when her life was falling apart. And how much I loathed her. And how I knew I couldn't make it to the far side of my own crisis unless she showed up and took care of me. And tried to figure me out. And looked at my failures AND at the lovely parts. Easy does it, Lyn. You are human. And the part of you that has some strength and confidence really needs to show up for the part of you that struggles and hurts and wants to hide.

So I am going to try to show up here consistently. As myself. For an audience of whoever else may need these words. Anyone who feels the need for transformational self-compassion. Or perhaps just for the practice of showing up as the human I am.

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